Wednesday Fog

I'm looking out my 'office' window, It's 9:07 a.m., and from my perch, I can see Noe Valley, part of Diamond Heights, and points, the highest ones, of Bernal Heights - normally. Except today, the fog sitting over Noe Valley has yet to wear off. It shows no sign of wearing off today.

There's something insistently comforting about fog - it demands stillness, reflection.

I've got tons of work to get through, media outlets to contact to publicize my event, volunteers to organize, vendors to secure - still vendors to secure. And what do I do? I stare out my window and contemplate my dream where I saw my mother, she was being whisked into a door for a doctor's appointment, and I followed, seconds behind, but no one could tell me if she was there. I know she's there - I saw her go in. I want so badly to see her. I search and search, no one can confirm that she was there. I so want to see her. I'm angry and confront medical staff, I spent the rest of my dream trying to find her, angry that they could not manage their caseloads, nor track patients - and angry that they kept me from my mother.

I woke up feeling sad, knowing I'll see her only again only if my dreams open up to me. And I hope this time I can find her, and sit with her and chat, and ask her if I was a good daughter - I feel like I failed her, at the very end when she needed me most, needed me at my best, and my most resilient, my strongest - her advocate - I failed her.

I feel like a child. I need that blanket the fog is offering me. I want only to go back to bed, bury my head beneath the blanket, and dream.

I hope the fog lingers at least a bit longer.